Written by: Florence Taglight, new contributing writer at Unpolished Journey and founder of her own blog (findingflo.co.uk)
Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself as a new contributing writer and also thank both Morgan and Emily for allowing me this platform to share my voice and for all that they do in this community.
When Emily and Morgan told me that this month’s topic was Honesty, what immediately came to my mind was hearing parents tell their children ‘Honesty is always the Best Policy’. I’m sure you were told it as a child a thousand and one times, by teachers, parents and/or family members. If there were a manual to parenting, I’m sure this would come along side, ‘always say please and thank you’, ‘don’t put your elbows on the table’ and ‘always wait for the green man before crossing the street’. Because after-all lying is wrong, right?
But not if you are on the side of your demons. If you are hand in hand with your demons then lying is right and honesty is wrong; After all, honesty would be being true to yourself, choosing those you love over them (the demons), being brave and being courageous. Being honest would mean stepping into life not into death. Well No, no, no – that is simply unacceptable to a demon. Hence honesty becomes wrong. Very wrong. Punishable in fact.
Although now I see how manipulative this is, there was a time when I could not; I could see the distortion. It was a time where honesty was, in my eyes a terrible policy, the worst policy to ever be created. When someone is in the depths of their disorder, wrong and right can (and are likely to) get muddled. This doesn’t just relate to honesty but other characteristics also that tend to crop up when our demons grow. It is hard to separate the two voices in our heads, our own and theirs. Unfortunately, much like the food habits and ritual, the thought processes and body critiques these backward, upside down and confused views don’t go away over night, or the day you decide to choose recovery. They demand daily practice and repetition (Yes, it is exhausting!). But it is also worth it, I promise.
It seems scary, the thought of betraying the demon and speaking your truth. I can assure you though, the more you do it, the easier it gets. A bit like going down the huge slide at the playground when you are little, the first time is the hardest. When you are honest in your recovery, whether that is about a piece of food, a thought, or even just about your feelings you are metaphorically speaking “kicking the demon in the balls’’.
Committing to recovery has to be done whole-heartedly which means pledging to integrity in every aspect. I am not saying you need to go confess everything you’ve ever done wrong and every white lie to everyone you have ever known by making it your Facebook status (FYI – I actually suggest NOT doing this). But what you should do, I propose is start with yourself. Start by realizing that the lies are the demons not yours, and that they do not align with your morals. After all the most important relationship you’re ever going to have, is the one with yourself.